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The Perfectly Imperfect Pursuit to Know Yourself: Type 9 - The Peacemaker

Alright, let's wrap up our Enneagram journey with the serene (and sometimes subtly defiant) Type 9! We’ve journeyed through the realms of perfection, nurturing, achievement, individuality, intellect, loyalty, enthusiasm, and power. You can find all the newsletters in this series and re-read them here.

We’ve reached the final destination: the world of the Peacemaker, the Mediator, the ever-so-harmonious (and sometimes passive-aggressive) Type 9. Prepare for a dose of tranquility, a sprinkle of "I'm fine," and the challenge to finally say what you really mean.

If you aren't sure which type you are, you can take a test here:

✨ Paid version ($20): www.enneagraminstitute.com​
✨ Free version: www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test​

Offering anyone who wants to discuss any of the Enneagram types and how to navigate your own Enneagram type the ability to schedule a FREE Clarity Call.

Issue 9: The Peacemaker's Harmony (And the Fear of "Loss of Connection") - Enneagram Type 9: "Can't We All Just Get Along? (And Can I Just Disappear...and Maybe Make You Feel Slightly Guilty for Disrupting My Peace?)"

Last but not least, the Enneagram 9. The embodiment of peace, the master of blending in, the one who seeks harmony above all else (often out of fear of not being heard). You're easygoing, accepting, and you value tranquility. But -- beneath that calm exterior, there's a deep, unspoken, fear of losing connection or creating conflict...which sometimes manifests as a carefully constructed wall of seeming agreement and subtle (and over time not so subtle) resentment.

The People-Pleasing Paradox: The Quest for Peace (and the Avoidance of Self-Assertion...Through Subtlety)

Type 9s, you are the champions of harmony and agreement. Your sense of self-worth is often tied to your ability to maintain peace and avoid conflict. You strive for unity, not just for personal comfort, but also for the security and connection that comes from being part of a harmonious environment. You really don't want to rock the boat. So, you might, say, "forget" to mention something important, or agree to a plan and then "accidentally" not follow through completely.

Why? Because you need to feel connected and at peace. And in this chaotic and confrontational world, merging with others is easier than asserting your own needs. It's also easier to express your displeasure indirectly, because, you know, peace. BUT-- resentment will grow and morph if you don't change this behavior.

The Sassy Truth: Your Brain Is a Zen Garden (With Hidden Landmines of Resentment)

Type 9's you love your peace, your gentle demeanor, and your ability to see all sides of an issue. But sometimes, you need to check in and ask, "Am I seeking peace, or am I avoiding myself...and making everyone around me walk on eggshells in the process?" Sometimes you're so busy keeping the peace, you forget to stand up for what you believe in. And you might even make others feel slightly (or not so slightly) responsible for putting you in this position. The blame game can get real dicey with 9s who aren't in a growth pattern.

Here's the hard truth: your worth is not defined by how much peace you maintain. And no, your happiness isn't contingent on everyone else "being happy"...even if you passively aggressive speak it is.

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The Wisdom Drop: Beyond the Merge (and the Passive Aggression)

Your own needs matter. You have a right to your own opinions and desires. (And expressing them directly won't destroy the world, we promise.)

Conflict is not always bad. It can actually lead to growth and deeper understanding. (And it's often healthier than the slow burn of unspoken resentment.)

True peace comes from within. It's not about avoiding conflict; it's about finding inner harmony...and communicating your needs clearly.

Authentic connection is built on honesty and self-assertion. Don't disappear into the background...and don't make others guess what you're really feeling.

Your presence is valuable. Claim your space and let your voice be heard...without the side comments or the martyr routine.

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The Call to Action (For Type 9s and Everyone Else):

Type 9s: Practice asserting yourself. Learn to embrace conflict as a natural part of life. And for the love of all that is peaceful, stop merging with everyone else's opinions...and stop expressing your disagreement through thinly veiled sighs and pointed silences. Grow for yourself. Stop low-key blaming everyone else for your own issues.

Everyone else: Appreciate the Type 9s in your life. But also, gently encourage them to express their own needs. Give them space to be themselves, but don’t let them disappear...and don't fall into the trap of trying to guess their every unspoken feeling. Help them take responsibility for their choice to blend in.

Remember, Type 9s, you are more than your desire for peace. But yes, you deserve to feel connected and at peace. But true peace comes from within, not just from external harmony. So go BOLDLY and find your inner zen, but remember to speak up when it matters. And if you need to sit in the quiet for an hour to avoid a difficult conversation, well, ok. Just remember to have the conversation eventually...and maybe apologize in advance for any unintentional guilt trips you might have laid on us and blame you haven't owned.

And with that, our Enneagram journey comes to an end! I hope you’ve gained some insights, had a few laughs, and maybe even discovered a new appreciation for your own perfectly imperfect personality (and others you love). Until next time, keep exploring, keep growing, and keep being wonderfully you. And please, everyone, try to get along.

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My Ex, the Enneagram 9: A Masterclass in Passive-Aggression

The pristine, cream-colored walls of our friends' dining room felt offensively neutral. Even the air seemed calibrated to avoid conflict, which, ironically, was exactly what brought us to this place of needing our friends to referee our separation agreement --- so I had help with witnesses seeing what I had been dealing with -- the inaction and not fighting FOR me. Across the polished table sat Jason, my soon-to-be-ex-husband (although at the time we were merely deciding to separate to work on ourselves, not divorce). His posture was, as always, a study in relaxed indifference, a stark contrast to the buzzing energy that practically vibrated off my skin.

"So," my friend began, hands folded, "you're here to finalize details of your separation so that you can both work on yourselves -- we're here to listen."

I kind of cut her off in my nervousness, my voice in business mode, so I wouldn't show the emotions swirling inside me. "Yes, we already discussed these things, but I just wanted someone to oversee this final discussion because it feels necessary considering..." I aimed that last part at Jason, but he merely blinked, a vague, slightly wounded expression flickering across his face. The classic Nine move: the martyr-ish sigh, the subtle implication that I'm always the unreasonable one when he constantly said, "I don't remember you saying that or agreeing to that."

Our marriage hadn't imploded in a blaze of dramatic arguments. There was marginal screaming really, no infidelity, no single, catastrophic event. Instead, it was a slow, agonizing fade over the last 10 of the 20+ years we were together, like a meticulously planned sunset that just… forgot to ever set. Jason's talent for "going with the flow" had initially been charming, a counterpoint to my drive and ambition. But eventually, that flow became a stagnant pool of inaction, where decisions went unmade, problems went unaddressed, and my needs… well, they simply weren't a priority. There was no growth on his end. No evolving. No fighting FOR me.

The separation was my idea. One evening, instead of discussing and helping me fix the issues I'd been painstakingly outlining for months, no years... begging him to fight for me, he'd simply said, "I've been doing my best. Sorry it isn't enough for your high expectations." Delivered with the same tone one might use to discuss the weather. No responsibility, no ownership despite my citing 16 different examples of exactly what I needed and where he wasn't changing or trying to. He just made a vague, passive, this is all I got comment and not really seeing that I meant it when I told him 6 months ago, and a year ago, and a year before that -- that he was losing me.

"Jason," I said in the present moment with a forced a measured tone, "about the household bills… I thought we agreed that since you refuse to leave the house, you will pay the bills for it?"

He blinked again. "Did we? I thought we were going to discuss options. The kids will still be living there until you find a place." Another classic Nine maneuver: the illusion of flexibility, the subtle resistance disguised as open-mindedness.

My Three-wing-Two wanted to scream. I wanted to present him with a PowerPoint presentation outlining the timeline of our previous discussions, the text messages, our agreements in principle. I wanted to win and "fix it", to achieve a resolution. But years of dealing with his passive resistance had taught me that I couldn't fix where he didn't do his own work. And THAT was the crux of all the tissues -- the lack of owning his own work needed and blaming everyone and everything else for every negative experience. It was NEVER his fault. Ever.

I tried to soften my voice, injecting a note of what I knew he'd respond to: gentle concern, but his wishy-washy answers were grating at me. "Jason. We discussed options already. We talked about how you didn't want to move out. You refuse to move out. And I want the kids to have stability. We don't want any extra complications. I am moving out as of May, and need to save for my own place since I am only staying for free for a while with a friend. You make more than twice the amount of what I make...wouldn't it be easier to finalize this, so we can both move forward?" I knew he hated the idea of "complications," of anything that might disrupt his carefully maintained equilibrium. He also hated taking responsibility for any complications made by his own choices.

He shifted slightly, the corner of his mouth turning down in a subtle frown. Progress. "Fine. I will make it work." He said, his voice barely above a whisper. The guilt trip. The implication that I, with my "ruthless efficiency," was callously pushing him into a decision when HE was the one who refused to leave the house when we decided to separate in the first place. Was I supposed to pay for both places when I didn't know how I was going to afford a place for myself in the first place, since I had been a stay-at-home mom for 17 years prior? But then again, his lack of managing money properly was a BIG issue that drove our separation to begin with.

"Ok," I said, my voice strained. "And remember we said we were separating to work on ourselves, to heal, and grow." I was good at this game, the game of reflecting his own words back at him, the game of turning his passive resistance into his own reluctant agreement.

The "mediation" went on for a bit more, a carefully choreographed dance of my controlled assertiveness and his subtle evasion and back-handed guilt. Every concession I "granted" him was, in reality, a strategic maneuver, a way to guide him, gently but firmly, towards the inevitable conclusion that I had mapped out (and we discussed already) weeks ago.

At one point, it was like he woke up from a nap and said he had a letter for me. He read it out loud. It was filled with thinly veiled digs and slightly twisted misunderstandings of things I had said. The entire letter refused ownership of the issues and blamed me for pretty much everything. I knew after his letter was read, the separation was actually the beginning of a divorce. I wouldn't be able to go back after hearing how he REALLY felt about me in such a passive-aggressive manner and total lack of any ownership or desire to change.

After he left in a huff because I responded emotionally to his subtle backhanded accusations, I felt a familiar cocktail of exhaustion and a grim satisfaction. I had "won," in the sense that I'd secured my freedom to choose for myself, and that horrible interaction was over. But there was no victory parade, no triumphant celebration. Just the lingering awareness of the emotional toll of dealing with someone who refused to take responsibility, who cloaked their desires in a fog of vague agreement and often unspoken (or backhanded) resentment.

That night in bed by myself, after 20+ years of sharing one with Jason, I allowed myself a good cry and reflection. The marriage was over, and it was, in its own quiet, passive-aggressive way, my failure. I allowed things to go awry for FAR too long that never should have been supported. But I would not allow myself to be defined by it. I was a Three-wing-Two. I was a winner, BOLD, and a force of nature. I would take this experience, file it away in the "lessons learned" cabinet of my mind, and move on -- after some deep soul-grieving, of course...I was no unfeeling monster like he accused me of -- my two wing made sure of that.

I'd finally begun to learn to appreciate the blunt honesty of a good, old-fashioned argument and directness that fought for me. At least then, you knew where you stood and knew you were valued and appreciated. I also was on the precipice of learning the value of my own autonomy and sovereignty.

That was over a year ago. So much has changed -- for me (and my kids) -- so much (in 99.9% of things) for the better. I've learned and rediscovered many different aspects about myself and how I interact with the world. For better or for worse. I am in a really good and healthy place. I have healed in many areas with a bright future ahead.

I hope my sharing some of these stories each week of my own interactions with other enneagram numbers has helped you learn about yourself, too. I'd LOVE to hear from you and what insights you've gleaned.

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Bold Challenge Questions

These questions are designed to help my Enneagram 9s confront tendencies toward people-pleasing, passive-aggressiveness, and the need for external approval, and to encourage you to move towards greater self-awareness, authenticity, and direct communication:

How does merging with others' opinions or desires provide a sense of comfort, and what is the underlying fear of losing yourself or disrupting harmony that drives this?

How does passive aggression in the way you deal with some relationships or issues erode trust and authenticity in relationships, and what steps can you take to foster more open and honest communication?

What practices or reflections can help you cultivate a stronger sense of self and intrinsic worth, independent of external validation or approval?

What small, concrete steps can you take to start asserting your needs and opinions, even when it feels uncomfortable or risky?

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Here are some bold challenge questions for those who love and care for Enneagram Type 9s, designed to foster deeper understanding and more effective communication with these sometimes passive-aggressive avoiders:

How do you create a safe space for the Nine in your life to express their needs and opinions without feeling like they are disrupting the peace or causing conflict?

What are some of the ways you might inadvertently contribute to the Nine's tendency to merge or avoid conflict?

How can you encourage the Nine to take action and assert themselves, even when it's uncomfortable, while still being supportive and understanding of their desire for harmony?

How do you address the Nine's passive-aggressive tendencies in a way that promotes open communication and resolution, rather than defensiveness or withdrawal?

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Craving More Challenge?

Subscribe to my YouTube channel and dare to watch (new and old) "Boldly Driven Conversations with Bri" episode(s). Check out this week's episode about how you can empower yourself by changing your actions through rewiring your brain.

How to Rewire Your Brain to Make it Work for You

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Be Boldly You!

I see you, Gorgeous.

-Bri💋

Brianna L. George

Boldly live out loud as your authentic self.💋

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