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The Courage to Be Alone: Reclaiming Your Own Company

Last week, I shared the hard work of moving from Scapegoat to Survivor. I shared in my prior issue how I drew a line in the sand, choosing to take radical responsibility for the codependency cycle in my marriage -- including the painful truth of how my enabling had harmed both my ex-husband and myself.

Eventually, I discovered that the invisible barrier to my true freedom was the profound fear of being alone. The fear of being alone is the ghost of codependency.

For over 21 years, my life was a shared entity. My identity was so deeply merged with my roles as a wife, mother, and emotional regulator that the concept of a singular "me" felt terrifyingly empty. When I committed to bold growth, I didn't realize I would lose my marriage. When I decided I was no longer going to live a life that was based on codependency, I didn't know I would end up separated and divorced. That was never the plan.

BUT -- when the scales fell away from my eyes, and the excruciating pain of knowing that it was healthier (for us both) to end the marriage, I experienced how the fear of the aloneness wasn't just about leaving and losing someone who I used to say was my best friend for 20+ years; it was a decision that involved stepping away from an entire ecosystem that kept me small.

Solitude is the Boldest Boundary

I needed to separate the 'loneliness I felt' from the 'solitude I had to choose.'

The loneliness felt both before and after the separation was amplified by the painful echo of the future that was now gone. Before we separated physically, we had been separated for months (maybe years) spiritually, emotionally, and mentally -- I was living in a home where I felt unbelievably lonely. During the separation, I lived with my best friend's family for 5 months, but my children weren't able to live with me for almost 7 months until I bought and renovated the RV I now live in full-time.

Loneliness compounded as I missed my children. Loneliness expanded in the sting of seeing mutual friends choose the simpler story to avoid me and disappear. That feeling is/was real, and it’s a part of the deep grief that came with this profound time of growth and healing.

However, the solitude I expanded within this growing season was a chosen act of reclamation.

A year before our separation, I created intentional space from others to heal from burnout and to finally hear my own voice for the first time in 40+ years; the one that was silenced every time I softened my opinion to avoid conflict with anyone in my family, community, and put others' needs before my own. The solitude I experienced after separation was the ultimate act of self-worth because it confirmed that my own company was finally enough -- I was finally enough.

When Your New Light Feels Isolating

I quickly learned that, as I found strength in solitude, my new boundaries would feel like walls to those who benefited from my previous lack of them. People who were comfortable with the version of me who managed everyone's emotions and carried the entire mental load didn't (and still don't) understand my change.

The new light I was living in at first felt isolating, and here's why: no one I used to call friends and community knew how to interact with me -- so they ignored me. I ceased to exist -- online, at grocery stores, at public community events -- I was avoided.

When you make a big change in your life, it feels scary to those who don't understand, are uncomfortable, or are unprepared for it. They might not say it directly, but their actions will.

You feel it when:

Former mutual friends from your codependent life become distant because your authentic, messy truth disrupts the polished image you once projected -- this is especially true when divorce is involved.

Family members label your new, firm "no" as you being "selfish" or "different now," because they miss the convenience of your over-functioning.

You realize your value in certain communities was tied to your role as a "servant-leader," "wife," or "problem-solver," not to the inherent core of who you are -- only what you provide.

This isn't a rejection of you; it's their system protesting your newfound autonomy. During this painful transition, our only job is to hold the boundary and choose our own well-being over their comfort.

HOLDING THIS BOUNDRY IS NOT EASY!

Making Solitude a Practice for a New Life

For me, the voice that codependency silenced for two decades can only be heard in the quiet. Solitude is how I built the internal validation I once sought from those intertwined with me in codependency.

You may be asking yourself, How do you learn and practice solitude?

Start by committing to 15 minutes a day of intentional solitude. No phones, no chores, no fixing. This will feel deeply uncomfortable at first. Your mind will race with the old urge to check on someone, solve a problem, or seek approval.

Sit with the discomfort that first shows up. When that urge arises, recognize it as the ghost of your old role. Acknowledge it without acting on it. Remind yourself: "I am safe here, and my only job is to be with myself." This teaches your nervous system that you are the primary source of your own stability.

Ask "What Do I Want?" In this quiet space, ask the question you rarely could before: "What do I truly want right now?" Not for the family, not for your partner, but for you. The answer might be as small as a cup of tea or as big as a new career path. Just listen.

By choosing solitude, you are making a bold commitment to the woman (or man) who was buried under years of obligation. You are telling your history, your fear, and your dissenting community that your validation is finally (and forever) an inside job.

The Unexpected Health of Solitude: Why Choosing You Benefits Them

When you are breaking free from codependency, choosing solitude often feels like an inherently selfish act -- a lie inherited from your old role where your time was only valuable if spent serving others. But the truth is, intentional solitude is one of the healthiest, most selfless things you can do for your relationships.

Solitude is not about physically isolating yourself, although it may be necessary if your physical health is in need of repair due to burnout, like mine was. Solitude is about filling your cup so completely that you show up to your connections as a whole person, not a draining need or a fixer looking for validation.

When you sit with your discomfort, you learn to soothe yourself. This means you stop bringing your unregulated anxiety or stress to your conversations, making you a calmer, more predictable friend and family member.

Solitude cuts through the noise of external expectations. It gives you the space to identify your true values. When you know what you genuinely want, you stop subtly manipulating others to meet needs you can't articulate, leading to more honest and fulfilling interactions.

Resentment builds up when you consistently give from an empty tank. Solitude is the time you use to refuel, ensuring that what you give to your children, friends, and community comes from a place of genuine abundance, not grudging obligation.

This is all self-care, which is a requirement for anyone in a service role. You can not serve others if you do not first allow yourself to be cared for -- yes, by others -- but ultimately first by your own self. You are worthy of your own self-care!

My Necessary Collapse: Finding Worthiness When I Had Nothing Left to Give

The key to maintaining and improving relationships while prioritizing solitude is not to disappear, but to communicate your boundaries clearly and lovingly -- this is where I can admit, in radical responsibility, where I went wrong. My reason for "disappearing" for a time was never intentional abandonment; it was a desperate, complex necessity that I lacked the language to explain at the time.

While I was technically choosing solitude, the reality was a physical and emotional bottom-out. My body was staging a total revolt: the years of over-functioning, managing the mental load, and absorbing everyone else's stress finally culminated in severe burnout and cortisol issues that left me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually sick and depleted. Compounding what became a physical collapse was the intense shame from the rapid, unexpected deterioration of my 21-year marriage, a reality I was in denial of until I couldn't be any longer.

I withdrew not just because I was sick, but because the shame felt suffocating, and I had no healthy boundaries left to give. Yet, in that enforced isolation, something profound happened: the quiet became a fertile ground for incredible spiritual growth and deep insights.

Stripped of my roles and responsibilities, the noise finally cleared enough for the truth of my own inherent worthiness to take hold -- a worth that wasn't tied to my utility, but simply to my existence. I disappeared because I was recovering, healing, and transforming into someone who finally began to understand her own value.

By choosing to be alone (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) you are not trying to close yourself off; you are clearing the clutter so that the connections you do maintain are built on mutual respect as a whole, autonomous individual.

This is what truly bold, healthy love looks like.

Solitude as a Bold Act of Radical Responsibility

Ultimately, choosing solitude is the boldest act of radical responsibility you can make. It's the moment you consciously reject the painful, old cycle of being a Scapegoat or an Enabler and commit to your internal peace.

My "disappearance" was rooted in a necessary collapse, but it became my breakthrough because I finally understood that my worth is inherent, not earned through service or performance to other humans. As I continue to practice this vital self-reclamation, I am building the unshakeable foundation of a whole, autonomous person.

Next week, I’ll address the crucial question: what does healthy love actually looks like? I'll dive into Issue 4: Redefining Love: The Non-Negotiables of Healthy Connection -- learning how to establish and communicate the boundaries that protect your new, bold life.

Yes, I'll be BOLDLY sharing what I am learning from my NEW relationship! Hold on tight! It'll be a doosie!

Bri💋

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Bold Challenge Questions

Commit to 15 minutes of intentional solitude today -- phone off, no tasks, just quiet. When the inevitable uncomfortable feeling or racing thought arises (the "ghost of codependency"), identify it. Is it the urge to check on someone, the need to fix something, or the fear of being alone? Name that ghost and choose to sit with the feeling for just one more minute.

Recall the last time a family member or friend labeled one of your new boundaries as "selfish" (or reacted by distancing themselves). Write down exactly what you did (ex: "I said no to managing the holiday," or "I didn't answer a crisis call immediately") Now, answer this: How did that boundary protect your inherent worthiness? (Focus only on the protective action, not their reaction.)

Identify one time slot this week that you would typically fill with over-functioning. (ex: calling a friend to solve their problem, taking on extra work that isn't yours) Intentionally leave that time slot completely empty. If the urge to fill it arises, ask yourself: "What is my inner voice finally trying to tell me now that the clutter is gone?" (Listen for the true desire, not the obligation.)

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Want to Gift Someone Sessions with Me?

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Watch this space for more details next week! My subscribers will be the first to know and have all the deets!

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Craving More Challenge?

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I'm on vacation this week, so here's last week's Episode: Are You in Fight, Freeze, or Shutdown? (And How to Get Out!)

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Helpful Resources for your Personal Growth Journey!

Emotional Health Digital Products found on my website

Emotional Healing journals on Amazon

Your favorite, most radiant self is waiting for you to discover just how amazing you are!

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Brianna L. George

Boldly live out loud as your authentic self.💋

BriannaLGeorge.com

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