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Scapegoat or Survivor? Responsibility vs. Blame

After recognizing codependency in our past, the line between healthy self-reflection and destructive self-blame -- or scapegoating -- gets dangerously blurry. I wrote last week about taking radical responsibility as a core component of bold living, but it’s crucial to understand what it is and what it isn't.

In a codependent relationship, the lines of responsibility are already tangled. You might have been conditioned to believe that your partner's anger, stress, or even career failure was a direct result of your failure to meet their needs. (ex: If I were a better wife/husband, they wouldn't have been so stressed at work.) This distorted thinking, often reinforced by the partner's action (or inaction), creates the perfect environment for scapegoating.

Radical Responsibility: Your Power to Change

As I said last week, Radical Responsibility is an act of empowerment. It means honestly assessing your choices and patterns within any relational dynamic, including familial, intimate, and even community dynamics.

It’s looking at a situation and asking:

What boundaries did I fail to set or enforce when they demanded my time?

What information about their consistent disregard did I ignore or minimize?

What fear (of being alone, of financial or social ruin) drove me to stay or to react in that specific way?

The focus is on what you can control (your behavior) to gain clarity for the future. For example: "I am responsible for not addressing and/or leaving the moment they crossed a major boundary." This perspective doesn't excuse their behavior; it gives you the power to enforce boundaries next time.

Scapegoating: The Blame Trap

Scapegoating is an act of self-punishment. It’s taking on blame for things that were fundamentally not your responsibility. It keeps you trapped in the victim mindset by allowing you to believe the other person's actions were justified.

Scapegoating sounds like:

If only I were calmer/prettier/richer/different, they wouldn't have hurt me.

The harm was my fault because I provoked them/the situation.

This disempowers you because you're taking ownership of the one harming and choosing to make the hurtful choices, which is something you could never control. You can take responsibility for your choice to allow the behavior to go unaddressed or to remain in the relationship, but you can never be responsible for another person's disrespectful or harmful behavior.

A person operating from the Scapegoat position remains psychologically tied to the dysfunctional system (a marriage, community, or family) because their entire identity is wrapped up in the trauma.

Scapegoat Characteristics

Scapegoats take on the identity of "I am the victim of what happened." Their focus is on external situations, circumstances, and people, and their energy is consumed by blaming the ex-partner, seeking validation, or trying to prove how they have been wronged or disvalued -- giving an excuse for behaviors.

A scapegoat believes either everything was their fault (self-blame) or nothing was their fault (pure external blame). They avoid radical responsibility for their own choices. They are often stuck reliving the hurt. The narrative they live in is: "I cannot move forward because of what they/the situation/the past did to me."

The past is an ongoing, open wound and a reason why they can't succeed now. This results in Powerlessness. They believe their healing is contingent upon the other person or past situations admitting fault, which never happens, leaving the individual trapped.

Scapegoating as Emotional Harm

My twenty-one-year marriage was a slow, steady distortion of reality. For two decades, I lived within a narrative where I was the problem, the reason, the insufficient one, fueled by his refusal to take personal accountability. Now, looking back, I realize that dynamic wasn't just codependency -- it was a cycle of mutual emotional harm driven by scapegoating.

In my home, my ex-husband avoided taking responsibility by making me or anyone else the target of his failures. If he was overwhelmed by his career or finances, the story wasn't, "I need to manage my stress better." The story became, "I'm only this stressed or not performing well at work because you aren't initiating sex enough, or you aren't contributing enough financially, or I lost the job because they didn't value me enough, I came into this position too late in the game, they changed the rules, I had a seizure condition, etc..."

Much of the marriage was a complete transfer of responsibility. He wasn't accountable for his failures; I was accountable for his stress levels, which, through therapy, I now can admit was an act of gaslighting.

I internalized this role, becoming the household's emotional dumping ground. I unconsciously took on the blame for our collective anxiety and stress, believing that by accepting the guilt of staying at home to raise our kids, I could keep the peace and allow him to underfunction.

My Side of the Emotional Harm: Enabling Underfunctioning

Here is the hard truth of my radical responsibility: In reaction to his lack of accountability, I emotionally harmed him by allowing (enabling) him to remain underfunctioning.

Emotional harm isn't just about attacking; it's also about preventing a person from being a competent, whole adult.

By constantly stepping in to "save" him and carry his burden, I emotionally harmed him by managing his appointments, his schedule, and the entire mental load of the family. This communicated a fundamental distrust in his competence. I essentially treated him like another child, stripping him of the need and opportunity to grow into a fully responsible partner.

When I absorbed the consequences of his poor choices (like managing late bills he forgot), I removed the natural incentive for him to change. I taught him, unconsciously, that his procrastination, avoidance, weaponized incompetence, and emotional volatility were successful strategies for getting me to carry more weight to make up for being a SAHM.

By accepting his blame -- believing that if I were "better," he would be "better"-- I actively reinforced the distorted reality we were both presenting and reinforced the lie that he was leading our family. I was a co-creator of a system that allowed him to remain emotionally and practically stunted.

I was trying to be his savior, but I was actually his enabler. While his behavior was willfully neglectful and unconsciously manipulative, my over-functioning was also a subtle, codependent form of control -- an attempt to manage the relationship by keeping him dependent on me -- on US as an entity.

Survivor: Defined by Agency and Empowerment

A person who transitions to the Survivor role takes their power back by implementing radical responsibility and choosing to be defined by their healing, not their history.

Survivor Characteristics

A survivor's identity becomes, "I am a whole person who experienced a challenge." A survivor's focus is internal, and their energy is directed toward self-awareness, personal growth, and creating a life based on their own values and boundaries. They embrace radical responsibility, acknowledging their own choices ("I chose to stay", "I failed to set boundaries") while firmly rejecting blame for the other person's harmful actions.

A survivor's energy is forward-moving. Their narrative shifts to: "Because of what happened, I now know what I need, and I choose a different path." The past is a closed chapter and a lesson used to inform future choices. This results in Agency. They realize their healing and happiness are fully in their hands, independent of the ex-partner's actions or apologies.

The Bold Pivot: Freedom vs. Guilt

The difference between these two perspectives is everything.

Radical Responsibility focuses on my choices, my boundaries, and my future actions, which leads to freedom and clarity. When we take radical responsibility, we say that we choose how we will proceed from here.

Scapegoating focuses on their actions, their choices, and my inherent flaws, which leads to guilt, shame, and feeling stuck. When we scapegoat, we say that we deserved what happened to us -- or we blame everything else, except our choices, for anything negative in our lives.

The practical difference between the two is the mental shift from "They/It destroyed my life" -- Scapegoat. To "I am now responsible for rebuilding my life, stronger than before" -- Survivor.

Becoming a Survivor is the ultimate act of bold living because it means refusing to give the power of your happiness to your past or to the person who hurt you. True healing means accepting your choices without accepting the blame for someone else's wrongdoings. By fully separating these, you shed the heavy weight of undeserved guilt and step into the power of resiliency, ready to build a whole new life based on self-trust and self-worthiness.

​Learning self-trust and self-worth is the core of my Bold Pivot Program!​

The Path to Reclaiming My Autonomy

The insidious consequence of the toxic cycle in my marriage was the erosion of my identity. I believed the lie that I was fundamentally flawed or "too much." Healing for me hasn't been about understanding motives; it was about recognizing that the blame assigned to me was never deserved, but equally, recognizing the harm I perpetuated by removing his own agency.

Reclaiming my narrative means accepting that I chose to tolerate "it" and that I chose to enable "it," but I never caused "it." That realization -- embracing the whole, messy truth of mutual accountability -- is the ultimate act of autonomy that finally set me free to be a BOLD survivor.

I hope someday my ex-husband will also choose to be a survivor.

I hope YOU choose to be a BOLD survivor, too!

Bri💋

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Bold Challenge Questions

Think about one major area of frustration in your life right now. (ex: career stagnation, financial stress, lack of meaningful friendship) Now, write down the names of the three people or circumstances you have primarily blamed for this frustration. For the next 72 hours, consciously forbid yourself from mentioning those external factors. Instead, focus entirely on what one small action you can take today to shift your internal state or boundary, embodying the Survivor's focus.

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Identify one moment this week where you felt an intense urge to "save" or over-function for someone. (A child, a friend, a new partner?) Acknowledge that this was your attempt at emotional abuse through enabling. (I know it really hurts to admit this.) What practical, non-verbal action did you choose to take instead (or what will you choose next time) to communicate trust in their competence, even if it means they might fail?

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Complete this sentence from both the Scapegoat and Survivor perspectives: "I can't truly start [dream/goal] because..."

The Scapegoat says: "Because my ex/my past/my trauma/my bad choices did {X, Y, Z} to me."

The Survivor says: "Because I haven't yet chosen to [take what step] to protect my time and energy from my past choices."

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How are you going to end your 2025?

There are only 3 months left of this year!

I have ONE spot available in my 3-month 1:1 Bold Pivot Coaching Program. If you've been thinking about enrolling, NOW is the time! Let's end 2025 deeply empowered and look to 2026 with a rediscovery of our authentic selves!

​Book a Complimentary Clarity Call​

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Craving More Challenge?

Enjoy a Boldly Driven Conversation with Bri.

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This week's Episode: Are You in Fight, Freeze, or Shutdown? (And How to Get Out!)

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Helpful Resources for your Personal Growth Journey!

​Emotional Health Digital Products found on my website​

​Emotional Healing journals on Amazon​

Your favorite, most radiant self is waiting for you to discover just how amazing you are!

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Brianna L. George

Boldly live out loud as your authentic self.💋

​BriannaLGeorge.com​

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